Friday, December 2, 2016

Hideous Holiday Haute Cusine

In full disclosure I'm a bit bias against most holiday foods.  First of all I dislike everything about meat; the taste, the texture, the smell. I won't even eat a lot of vegetarian "meats" because they so closely mimic the real thing. So basically the main course of any American holiday grosses me out.  Why can't everything be celebrated with pizza which is a gastronomical symphony of cheese, bread and sauce, with a limitless variety of toppings?

Regardless of my food issues, I think most would agree that this collection of  Truly Horrifying Vintage Holiday Recipes live up to their name. And joy of all joys, since I stole that creepy elf tuna tree picture secondhand I wanted to verify the source.  The picture is just one small part of a post that embodies the spirit of Creepmas and is definitely worth checking out.

I love that Molly Fitzpatrick actually took the initiative and made quite of few of the vintage recipes.  She did both a Christmas and Thanksgiving menu. The pictures are disturbing, the write-ups hilarious.  

In the spirit of disliked holiday food here are a couple of Christmas dinner themed games involving brussel sprouts.  Christmas With The Sproutifarts and Attack of the Sprouts. The first one you have to eat the brussel sprouts, but if you don't take time to fart you blow up and the second one you have to smash the brussel sprouts before they jump in your mouth or you turn green and die.  And they are adorably disturbing little sprouts with evil eyes and big gnashing teeth. 

And what are my issues with holiday food stuffs? Well, since you asked...I'm not sure if any of these are popular throughout the rest of the US or if they were just a part of my mid-west upbringing, but lets start with jello salads, which can contain everything from grated carrots to marshmallows

I also detest anything else with marshmallows feigning to be a salad or smothering sweet potatoes. What did the potatoes ever do to deserve that? [from NPRWho's to credit — or blame — for topping sweet potatoes with marshmallows? "The Cracker Jack company," says Andrew Smith, editor-in-chief of the Oxford Encyclopedia of Food and Drink in America. It put out a small booklet of recipes in 1917 to encourage people to cook with marshmallows. "Virtually all of the other recipes died with the publication of their book, but the marshmallow and the sweet potato one has survived — and has thrived — ever since."]

Then there's that hideous green bean casserole with the crunchy onions. I think it has condensed cream of something, maybe possum pus, soup in it. There would be riots if this didn't show up at the dinner table.

Another one that is normally potluck fare, but shows up occasionally during the holidays, is the seven layer salad. People get excited when they see this, and it contains thawed frozen peas and mayonnaise.  Admittedly I'm not a big fan of mayonnaise, but anything called salad that's coated in mayonnaise is extra disgusting.

Last thing, gluey starchy mashed potatoes.  I actually love mashed potatoes.  Hand mashed with a little garlic, bit of butter (real), splash of cream (also real) and some salt & pepper. But that gluey mess that results from whipping the hell out of them, ick. Again, why all the violence against potatoes?

And lest you think I don't like anything traditional, that's not true.  I love salads that contain green leafy things and none of the aforementioned items.  I love sweet potatoes, winter squash, roasted veggies, fresh warm rolls, even stuffing, if it doesn't contain meat.

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